The Tortoise And Politician: A Tale Of Cunning, Greed, And Never-Ending Stomach

ISAAC ASABOR

In African folklore, the tortoise is frequently depicted as the embodiment of wit, cunning, and an insatiable desire for self-preservation. It is the animal that always outwits its opponents, wriggles its way out of difficult situations, and, most importantly, keeps its stomach full, regardless of who suffers. Sounds familiar? Yes, Nigerian politicians appear to have borrowed heavily from the playbook of the wise but unscrupulous tortoise, and our proverbs say it all.

Let us take a light-hearted yet reflective look at some tortoise-inspired proverbs and how they are perfectly expressed in the daily antics of our beloved political class.

Contextually, the first proverb is, “The tortoise says that it is better to be slow and steady than fast and fall.”

In Nigerian politics, many leaders enter office promising rapid transformation, only to reveal that their concept of “slow but steady” development is simply slow. Elections bring grand plans for fixing roads, restoring power, and eliminating corruption, but once in office, politicians move like tortoises, ensuring that no meaningful change occurs quickly. This mannerism was pragmatically displayed by a certain political leader in Nigeria’s previous political dispensation, earning him the nickname “Baba Go-Slow” from his traducers.

And why should they rush? After all, tenure extensions, second terms, and even ‘third-term bids’ (whether through backdoor amendments or ‘lifelong chairmanships’) all reflect the tortoise’s wisdom of staying put and moving just enough to stay relevant.

Similarly, “The tortoise says that if you can not carry the load on your head, tie it around your waist.” This proverb reflects Nigerian politicians’ resilience in the face of public outrage.

When confronted with scandals, economic failures, and accusations of looting, they do not resign in the same way that their counterparts in more stable countries do. Instead, they ‘tie the problem around their waist’ by rebranding, defecting to another party, or, in extreme cases, suddenly becoming ‘born again’ with an urgent need to visit the Holy Land.

When caught up in corruption scandals, instead of quitting, they “carry the load differently,” sometimes by blaming perceived political enemies, sometimes by pretending to be ill and needing to be treated in a London hospital. Indeed, the tortoise spirit lives on!

Again, “The tortoise claims that the more you look at its shell to see its flesh, the less you see.” This saying describes the classic ‘tortoise-in-politics’ move, diversion! Just when you think you have caught a politician red-handed, they launch a national controversy against you.

Did they syphon billions of dollars intended for palliative care? Suddenly, the National Assembly is debating an irrelevant bill. Did they fail to keep campaign promises? Oh, do not worry, they will start handing out rice bags with their faces embossed on them a few months before the next election.

This is why Nigerians have perfected the art of looking without seeing. Political abracadabra has transformed governance into a magic show in which money vanishes and no one knows who took it.

Another proverb that exemplifies the Tortoise’s quirk says, “The tortoise that refuses to show its shell in public conceals something.”

Ah, Nigerian politicians and their secrets! Have you ever noticed that the more powerful a politician, the more difficult it is to learn about his or her true net worth? His or her assets declaration is kept in a chest buried beneath Mount Kilimanjaro, and their official salary is a mere fraction of the mansions and luxury cars they own.

When confronted about their wealth, Nigerian politicians avoid questions like a tortoise retreating into its shell, leaving the press and the public with more questions than answers. The act of secrecy also applies to their qualifications and health statuses.

In a similar vein, “The tortoise does not attend a feast without a plan.” To interpret the preceding, it is reasonable to conclude that any given election in Nigeria is essentially a feast, and politicians approach it with a well-crafted strategy, which typically includes vote-buying, rigging, and electoral malpractice. Have you ever wondered why Nigerian politicians spend billions on campaigns when their salaries will never cover the costs? Simple. The tortoise never approaches a feast without a plan.

Once elected, they begin to “recoup their investment,” inflating contracts, diverting funds, and engaging in financial gymnastics that would make even the most sophisticated money launderers envious.

As if the preceding proverbs were not enough, another witty one states that “the tortoise that says it will return a borrowed item has already decided to keep it.” Contextually, Nigerian politicians excel at making promises they never keep.

They promise to improve infrastructure, provide social services, and lift people out of poverty. After a few years, what do we have? More unfulfilled promises, no projects, and new promises. They can be heard making promises and interposing them with “I can assure you” or “Insha Allah”.

Just like the tortoise, our politicians make promises with no intention to fulfil such promises. The nation is left to hope upon hope while they retire to their luxury homes.

Also in a similar vein, another proverb says, “The tortoise that fell into a pit says It’s merely relaxing.” Thus, each time the Nigerian economy crashes, or a politician is caught in a mess of his or her own making, does he or she ever admit failure? Never!

Instead, we are told that things are under control, that ‘the economy is improving,’ that ‘we have turned the corner,’ and that ‘better days are ahead.’ Meanwhile, inflation soars, unemployment skyrockets, and citizens struggle to survive. But just like the tortoise, politicians convince us that what looks like a pit is actually a strategic resting position.

Again, “The tortoise says that if everyone else is running, It’s best to sit and watch.” When it comes to national crises, be it insecurity, fuel scarcity, or economic meltdowns, Nigerian politicians often adopt the tortoise strategy: silence and inaction. While citizens cry for intervention, they sit comfortably, watching events unfold as if they are mere spectators rather than the drivers of governance.

By the time they react, the damage is done, and their response is usually a poorly written press statement full of empty assurances.

For centuries, the tortoise has been known for its cunning, survival tactics, and self-interest. Nigerian politicians, knowingly or unknowingly, have taken a page from the tortoise’s playbook, ensuring that no matter the situation, they land on their feet, often at the expense of the masses.

Perhaps the real question is: Will Nigerian politics ever evolve beyond the tortoise mentality? Or are we doomed to keep watching these slow-moving, ever-scheming creatures manipulate their way through our national affairs?

Until then, as Nigerians, we must be vigilant, wise, and, most importantly, remember this simple truth: when a tortoise says it is going to a feast, it is not going there to serve, it is going there to eat.